I wrote this last nite at around 3 in the morning. Some things have been changed, but the majority of it is in tact. So, here you go:
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So, here we are. Another year come and gone. Its kinda wierd to look back at the past year and think "you know, not nearly as fucked as 2004".
2004 was a really fucked up year. Or should i say, really fucked up things happened to me. You know, with the drunk-tankness, faxe-induced delerium, chipped teeth via chin encounter, molestation/attemped robbery by a prostitute and so on and so forth.
2005:not so much.
Well, actually yes, but in a completely different way.
The past couple of days have been spent soberly looking at the past. And for all the changing band members, changing jobs, unemployment, banning from bars (again), brief romantic encounters, personal fuck-upidness, and friendships made and made strained, 2005 has it over all the other years of my life because,for an all too brief time, i was the happiest i've ever been. And it didn't take much, but it took a lot. If that makes any sense.
2006? I donno, i was thinking about doing something really stupid: going back to school. Although the course i was thinking of taking seems financially out of reach. I donno...towards the end of last year i started thinking about bettering my life. Thinking about the future. Which is wierd, because i've spent so much time avoiding it. I just need to come up with a direction, and then to somehow find the courage to follow it.
I've been thinking about volunteering at CKDU. The time spent at the radio station at UCCB was one of the best times of my life. And one of the few things in life that gave me something resembling a sense of purpose. Sure it ruined my academic career, but i don't regret the time spent there. The only thing thats keeping me from volunteering is wondering if this is a step forward or a step backward. But i guess i won't know til i give it a try.
I'm also going to force myself to start reading again. When i was much younger i spent a great deal of time at the public library. But my love of reading slowly died as i became more and more disillusioned with acadamia in general. I have a list of books that i want to get through, it's actually based on readings for the King's foundation year program (I think i still have the rejection letter somewhere...), and is pretty well-rounded. And if anything, it will make me better at scrabble.
And i want to bring a whole new focus to the band. Really work at getting shows and getting the album on the way. I know, this album's been in the works for what seems like forever. But i think i see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Crossing fingers...
As for my personal life...i don't know. The highs and lows of the past year have given me alot to think about. Even though i abandoned some ideas and ideals years ago, happiness still seems obtainable in my eyes. Which is a definite change in attitude from a couple of years ago. But right now...right now i think i will work on righting wrongs that i have made. Nothing major, just baby steps. I have no idea if it will be accepted. Hell, i wouldn't blame them at all if it wasn't. But its meant too much to me not to at least try. If i don't I know i will regret it. And regret is a terrible thing to live with.
Anyway, goodbye 2005!
The good times will always be close to my heart.
-------------------------
So, here we are. Another year come and gone. Its kinda wierd to look back at the past year and think "you know, not nearly as fucked as 2004".
2004 was a really fucked up year. Or should i say, really fucked up things happened to me. You know, with the drunk-tankness, faxe-induced delerium, chipped teeth via chin encounter, molestation/attemped robbery by a prostitute and so on and so forth.
2005:not so much.
Well, actually yes, but in a completely different way.
The past couple of days have been spent soberly looking at the past. And for all the changing band members, changing jobs, unemployment, banning from bars (again), brief romantic encounters, personal fuck-upidness, and friendships made and made strained, 2005 has it over all the other years of my life because,for an all too brief time, i was the happiest i've ever been. And it didn't take much, but it took a lot. If that makes any sense.
2006? I donno, i was thinking about doing something really stupid: going back to school. Although the course i was thinking of taking seems financially out of reach. I donno...towards the end of last year i started thinking about bettering my life. Thinking about the future. Which is wierd, because i've spent so much time avoiding it. I just need to come up with a direction, and then to somehow find the courage to follow it.
I've been thinking about volunteering at CKDU. The time spent at the radio station at UCCB was one of the best times of my life. And one of the few things in life that gave me something resembling a sense of purpose. Sure it ruined my academic career, but i don't regret the time spent there. The only thing thats keeping me from volunteering is wondering if this is a step forward or a step backward. But i guess i won't know til i give it a try.
I'm also going to force myself to start reading again. When i was much younger i spent a great deal of time at the public library. But my love of reading slowly died as i became more and more disillusioned with acadamia in general. I have a list of books that i want to get through, it's actually based on readings for the King's foundation year program (I think i still have the rejection letter somewhere...), and is pretty well-rounded. And if anything, it will make me better at scrabble.
And i want to bring a whole new focus to the band. Really work at getting shows and getting the album on the way. I know, this album's been in the works for what seems like forever. But i think i see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Crossing fingers...
As for my personal life...i don't know. The highs and lows of the past year have given me alot to think about. Even though i abandoned some ideas and ideals years ago, happiness still seems obtainable in my eyes. Which is a definite change in attitude from a couple of years ago. But right now...right now i think i will work on righting wrongs that i have made. Nothing major, just baby steps. I have no idea if it will be accepted. Hell, i wouldn't blame them at all if it wasn't. But its meant too much to me not to at least try. If i don't I know i will regret it. And regret is a terrible thing to live with.
Anyway, goodbye 2005!
The good times will always be close to my heart.
3 Comments:
First.. fantasic words a couple posts ago.. you made me cry (which Laurie would tell you, isn't hard). Thanks.
Second, I've got a shit-ton of books I could recommend you.. not so pompous either, but enjoyable and stuff that are intertwined with the fabric of the times. (Or something..)
Let me know if you want a list.
I envy you, Alf. You're managing to do what I've been trying to do for the past little while, attain some sense of perspective.
Good times over the holidays, see you again in May!
BMN
Hey Alf. I hope you get some kicks in two thousand six. I didn't get to see you over the hoildays this year. We'll have to organize a CB release party for when the album comes out.
James
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