So, between the barbecues, a rock show, drinking myself sober, and Silence of the Lambs, most of the last few days have been spent contemplating my life and what I want out of it. I've had some success making some changes with my life:cutting down my drinking (i think going from five or six days a week to maybe one day is pretty good), quitting and then findinq a job, getting my financial situation in order. Although this week i could feel myself getting pulled back into the drunken abyss that i found myself hovering on a couple months ago. The same abyss i basically threw myself into four years ago when, let's face it, i just totally lost it. I donno, maybe i'm stronger now. Or maybe there really is something to that whole "with age comes wisdom" thing. (nahh, that can't be it)

I think i'm finally coming to terms with the fact that there will always be that one part of my life that will never come together for me. But that doesn't mean i should let the rest of my life go to hell. You just have to let go of that part, and concentrate on the rest. Of course there are times when i've thought i'd done so in the past, when all i did was abandon what i made out to be the symbol of the problem and not the problem itself. A failing on my part which i'm not going to repeat. Some things...fuck it, people...are worth keeping in your life even if there's a bit of pain tacked onto it.

I guess what i'm really talking about is the concept of happiness and one's personnal definition of it, something that i've brought up before. I think everyone has their own take on what would make their life ideally happy. And there's usually more than one factor to contribute to it. The thing is, if one of those factors never falls into place, is the problem your inability to achieve that factor, or is it that it shouldn't have been apart of your concept of happiness in the first place?

So, there's your heavy, psycobabilly post for this month.
Next time i'll talk about the multiple injuries i'll get tomorrow playing baseball!!!

Alfred