It's 8:00 in the morning, and i'm staring at the ceiling. And i'm trying to figure out where it all went wrong.
I pinpoint it to grade two. Her name was Candee. Looking back, i realize that thinking i was in love at the age of 7 was pretty niave. But I was 7. And she had the most beautiful eyes i'd ever seen.
I passed a note to her saying that i liked her alot. She passed it back, saying that she liked this other guy ( i don't even remember his name now), but we could still be friends.
I was completely, totally crushed. And I looked for reasons why she didn't "like" me. Red hair, glasses, and the label "nerd" that some other kids pinned on me. At the age of seven, i came to the logical conclusion that it would be virtually impossible for a girl to like me.
At the age of seven.
Most kids are playing with Hot Wheels and I'm struggling with love and my identity. Unfortunately, instead of trying to change, I donno, anything, I bought into the whole "nerd" thing. And i didn't have anything more to do with girls until grade twelve.
My best friend Ian (who's over in japan right now. Hey!) and I went to this dance at St. Ann's hall in Glace Bay. While most kids went to dances to hang out with other kids, I basically went so i could listen to music really loud. But something unexpected happened. This girl, Jennifer, asked me to dance. Now don't get me wrong, i had danced with girls before this, but just girls from my class or friends at parties. And there was nothing to it because, well, i had no reason to believe there was anything more to it. I was a nerd, remember? But this was different. We held each other close. We looked into each others' eyes. We made out.
I got her number, and we went to dances a couple of times, but it was different. She didn't seem as..I donno...into me, for lack of better wording. I later found out, and i never told anyone this...That first dance? She did it on a dare. A "go dance with the nerd" type of thing. If someone were to ask me what the best way to destroy someone's self-esteem was, that would be it. And yeah, things with jennifer sorta degraded from there.
But, you see, the real damage from this, at least as i see it, is that it opened up in me the idea of love and attraction, and girls. A good ten years of conditioning, destroyed. Perhaps, had this not have happened, I could have lived a nice, blissful, asexual existance. That's believeable, right?
And i'm well aware that I'm coming off as a whiny bitch. But i have to sort this shit out now. And if doing it here, in a public forum, is the way i choose to do it, then so be it. Let the whiny bitchdom begin!!
I'm gonna figure out why i'm so fucked up. And, somehow, fix it.
I pinpoint it to grade two. Her name was Candee. Looking back, i realize that thinking i was in love at the age of 7 was pretty niave. But I was 7. And she had the most beautiful eyes i'd ever seen.
I passed a note to her saying that i liked her alot. She passed it back, saying that she liked this other guy ( i don't even remember his name now), but we could still be friends.
I was completely, totally crushed. And I looked for reasons why she didn't "like" me. Red hair, glasses, and the label "nerd" that some other kids pinned on me. At the age of seven, i came to the logical conclusion that it would be virtually impossible for a girl to like me.
At the age of seven.
Most kids are playing with Hot Wheels and I'm struggling with love and my identity. Unfortunately, instead of trying to change, I donno, anything, I bought into the whole "nerd" thing. And i didn't have anything more to do with girls until grade twelve.
My best friend Ian (who's over in japan right now. Hey!) and I went to this dance at St. Ann's hall in Glace Bay. While most kids went to dances to hang out with other kids, I basically went so i could listen to music really loud. But something unexpected happened. This girl, Jennifer, asked me to dance. Now don't get me wrong, i had danced with girls before this, but just girls from my class or friends at parties. And there was nothing to it because, well, i had no reason to believe there was anything more to it. I was a nerd, remember? But this was different. We held each other close. We looked into each others' eyes. We made out.
I got her number, and we went to dances a couple of times, but it was different. She didn't seem as..I donno...into me, for lack of better wording. I later found out, and i never told anyone this...That first dance? She did it on a dare. A "go dance with the nerd" type of thing. If someone were to ask me what the best way to destroy someone's self-esteem was, that would be it. And yeah, things with jennifer sorta degraded from there.
But, you see, the real damage from this, at least as i see it, is that it opened up in me the idea of love and attraction, and girls. A good ten years of conditioning, destroyed. Perhaps, had this not have happened, I could have lived a nice, blissful, asexual existance. That's believeable, right?
And i'm well aware that I'm coming off as a whiny bitch. But i have to sort this shit out now. And if doing it here, in a public forum, is the way i choose to do it, then so be it. Let the whiny bitchdom begin!!
I'm gonna figure out why i'm so fucked up. And, somehow, fix it.
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